7 Psychological Pointers on How to Cope With, and Alleviate Anger During Moments of Grief

The mosaic of emotions that accompany grief can be spontaneous. While most people expect to experience sadness, or sorrow, anger can sometimes erupt and take center stage. The truth is, it's not as unusual as it seems for people in mourning to exhibit rage. It’s not unusual either to wrestle with silent resentments about personal loss. Anger pertaining to grief is not rooted in dysfunction. It’s a gut-instinct emotional response that should be reconciled in gradual, therapeutic steps. 

Mixed Feelings are Perfectly Natural:

Author/Psychologist Dr. Lori Lawrenz (PsyD) explains that, “Sadness is a very typical part of grieving, but it’s not the only emotion associated with grief. People often experience sadness simultaneously with anger. Feeling anger during grief doesn’t mean you’re not sad about your loss, even if it seems like anger is the only emotion you’re feeling.” Here are a few helpful guidelines on how to prevent anger from spinning out of control during bereavement:

1.      Don't Bottle Up your Anger: It's important to express how you're feeling, whether through journaling, talking to a friend/therapist, or participating in an anger-management class. Anger becomes more toxic the longer it's suppressed.

2.      Understand that Grief is an Extraordinary Trigger for Anger: If you're feeling exceptionally frustrated or irritated, it may be because you're presently standing in the eye of a storm. Give yourself time. Time to process difficult emotions in a practical way.

3.      Resist the Urge to Take Anger out on Others: It's better to find constructive outlets for negative emotions, rather than lashing out at the people around you. Persecuting innocent bystanders only creates chaos.

4.      Don't Let Yourself Make Erroneous Assumptions: Overthinking is a mental error that tends to happen a lot during grief. Instead of jumping to conclusions about the circumstances at hand, anchor yourself in patience. Allow time to tame your temper.

5.      Avoid Tormenting Yourself with ‘Should’ Statements: Telling yourself that you ‘should’ be over your grief, or that you ‘shouldn't’ be angry, will only make things feel worse. Some aspects of life simply can’t be controlled. Especially the timing and conditions surrounding loss.

6.      Be Willing to Compromise: Oftentimes, the best way to make it through the dilemmas created by bereavement is to meet other people halfway. Sacrifices and compromises lead to goodwill.

7.      Seek Professional Help: If you're deeply struggling to manage anger, it may be beneficial to talk to a therapist or counselor. There’s no shame whatsoever in safeguarding mental health.

 Always remember - it's normal to feel anger after a loved one dies. In fact, that anger can be quite healthy, as long as it’s dealt with in a mindful and gradual way. Even though grief often feels desolate, you are not alone in your anguish. There are people who care about you, and want to help. Give yourself all the time you need to heal, and use reflection to work through the difficult emotions you have to confront.

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